New 2014 MacBook Air to Use Screws Instead of Glue

By Isaac Holtyr

Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, recently announced to the press that the newest addition to the MacBook Air will use their new technology called “iScrews”.  These screws are threaded pieces of metal that are intended to hold two items together.  This new concept is to replace the current fastening technology that is glue. 

At the private conference, Cook explained the perks of this new approach at producing computers, saying “[The new iScrew] allows the owner to upgrade memory any time they want, change out a dead battery, and even repair the screen for under $600 when it eventually breaks.” 

This new innovation is currently used on all PC computers and has been a standard since the 1960’s.  Apple too, used screws on their MacBook Airs until the summer of 2012 when they announced glue will be their new standard.

We had the opportunity to talk with Tim Cook after the conference.  Our first question was why Apple would switch back to screws only a year after announcing that glue would be their new method.  Cook immediately responded with an incredulous “You remember that?!”  He then removed his glasses, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose while whispering to himself “I knew the public wasn’t as stupid as they promised”. 

We then sat in silence for about 15 seconds until he asked with hope in his voice “did you tell anyone you were coming here today?!” After responding in the negative, one of his employees locked the door. He then proudly exclaimed “most of our customers excuse us when we screw them over.  They make up arguments like ‘I don’t use that anyway.’ or ‘why do I care if they track me using my GPS?” 

He continued by saying “Take our iPhone!  It took us until our 3rd generation device before we gave people picture messaging – a standard on cell phones since like… I don’t know, 1997?!  Our customers justified this by saying crazy things like ‘well, if I wanted to send a picture to someone, I can just e-mail it.’ But, when we announced the 3rd gen device will have mms capabilities, our company was revered, like we invented something new! That’s what we’re going for with our iScrews!  We’re reversing standards, and then implement them again like they were our idea to begin with!”

Cook then tilted his chin towards his neck and looked at me through the top portion of his glasses saying “but now that you know our plan, I can’t let you leave.” He added “I hope you like fish, because my piranhas love human!”  He began laughing maniacally while tapping fervently on his iPad until he dropped it, shaking his fingers screaming “ouch, hot!”  I took this distraction as an opportunity to leave the room, and ask Apple customers what they think of the new innovation.

Melissa Zanders commented on the new production innovation saying “Up until this point, I never wanted to change my battery on the go.  I used to think ‘if I forget my charger, then I probably don’t need to use my computer anyway.’  But now that Apple is going to use screws and they’re no longer going to glue my battery in; I have to say; I can probably find a use for that.  Thanks Apple!”

After reminding Melissa that they used screws for years before they switched to gluing their products together; I was promptly escorted off the premises by police. 

I guess what I’ve learned from this is that the country does need to be reminded that OH FUCK, HOT!

Sent from my iPad